There are some things in this world that I simply do not understand. Take, for instance, bronies. I know at least half a dozen personally, and there are a zillion more on the internet, and a good deal of them do seem to genuinely like the show. A show that, to me, just looks like Winx Club with multicoloured ponies.
(I once mentioned this to a brony, and it was the subject of a vehement retort that boiled down to, “Winx Club sucks! My Little Pony is awesome!” I remained perplexed.)
So basically what I’m saying is that, on a quest for understanding, I am going to watch My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic and write about it here. WARNING: May contain liberal use of the word “What”.
…
Captain’s Log, stardate unknown.
What.
Okay, so there are these two sisters (Goddess ponies? Princesses? Pegasi? I don’t know) who are the rulers of Equestria, and their jobs are to raise the sun in the morning and raise the moon at night, thus securing harmony for all the ponies ever.
Really? So everything is fine as long as the sun goes down at night and comes up during the day? Do the ponies suddenly go insane if this doesn’t happen on time? Are they always happy if it does? Do they not have other disputes? At all? Ever?
(I will apply logic to the show about magic ponies, just you try and stop me.)
Oh, and the dark purple pony is going to be the bad one, isn’t she? They always are, because everyone hates on dark purple.
“The ponies relished and played in the day her elder sister brought forth, but shunned and slept through her beautiful night!”
Pony + bitterness + resentment = A WICKED MARE OF DARKNESS!
And apparently she got a makeover in the bargain. Sweet.
And then the WICKED MARE OF DARKNESS got thrown into her moon-prison. Poor evil pony. Don’t worry dear, I still love you.
And titles (Thank god it isn’t the old theme tune they used for the ads. The paaaaaiiiiiiiiin…)
“I think she’s more interested in books than friends.” Because clearly, studying and books are the enemies of friendship. I’m starting to see why guys like this show No, I’m sorry, that was uncalled for. My apologies to bronies. But I’m warning you, show, you have offended my Ravenclaw sensibilities.
… but I kind of love Twilight Sparkle, despite her unfortunate name and baby dragon abuse.
Stop reading? DUSTY OLD BOOKS?! Princess Celestia, you are not my friend.
I think that was Pinkie Pie, who I believe is a fan favourite? Anyway, she just kind of walked up, inhaled like an asthmatic and zoomed off into the sunset. By the way, if Twilight Sparkle is Celestia the book hater’s student and she’s doing her ‘royal’ duty, what does that make her? How doing ponies pick their students? Is she some estranged cousin of the royal family? Or did Celestia just see a purple pony and be like, “Gee, that reminds me of my sister before she went evil!” (I’m assuming she’s the day mare, or whatever?) “I should make her my student!”. Was Twilight Sparkle tragically orphaned by llamas? Is Princess Celestia trying to mould her into a substitute sister? Did Nightmare Moon not read? Or maybe she loved to read and Celestia blames the books for turning her evil? WHY DOES PRINCESS CELESTIA HATE BOOKS??????!!!!!!!!
Aaaaaaaand Applejack! Oh, poor antisocial Twilight Sparkle, there is an ENTIRE FAMILY OF THESE PEOPLE! And you just crushed that tiny pony’s dreams, by the way. It had it’s (her?) heart set on brunch with you, and you just stomped all over it. AND NOW YOU MADE THEM ALL LOVE YOU BY STAYING you couldn’t have done that before you stomped on the munchkin’s heart?
I cannot think of her as Rainbow Dash. Angel has completely altered my perception of that word, she is now Painbow Dash. And what a charming young pony she is. Not. And then Twilight Sparkle is manipulative (Yay!) and Painbow actually does her job of clearing the skies, and then it’s time for THIS FACE:
I love how she gets this look of horror every time someone mentions friendship. (Barbie movies must be her equivalent of The Blair Witch Project.) She’s so wonderfully awkward and antisocial, oh my god, she is the pony equivalent of me in high school. Seriously. I’d been with the same class since kindergarten and everyone just knew me as the kid who sat quietly and read in class and had no friends, and then I went to a different school during year eleven and twelve and people talked to me and it was so bizarre. There was something inside me that just found it strange and awkward and ‘What is this friendship thing of which you speak?’ I spent the start of it just wanting to hide out somewhere and read my book, and then slowly realised that they were actually nice people who I enjoyed talking to. But for the first few weeks, while not as obsessed over as Twilight Sparkle is here because everyone was new, I would just freak out when it seemed like someone wanted to be friends. ‘I don’t know how to do the ‘friend’ thing, okay, Person? I am antisocial! I don’t understand your talking during class and showing me funny pictures on your iPod and NO HUGS ALLOWED THEY ARE EVIL!’
Do people pick which ponies they are? I mean, is it like that show where people are Dorothy or someone (Look, I don’t know, I only remember this vaguely from a Meg Cabot book), do people say “I’m Pinkie Pie” or “I’m Princess Celestia because I’m illiterate and hate books”? Because I am totally totally Twilight Sparkle JSYK.
So, now that I’m done projecting my issues with antisocial-ness onto a purple pony, let’s move on to Rarity and DUDE SPIKE SHE IS NOT OF YOUR SPECIES. Can dragons (who appears to be the oppressed slaves of the ponies, btw) and ponies interbreed? Because that only works in Shrek 2, because it was hilarious, and Donkey is a donkey and Rarity is a unicorn and that is just not going to happen, okay, Spike? Just no.
Let us take this moment to celebrate Twilight Sparkle’s “Friends?!” face:
“Quick, before she decides to dye my coat a new colour!” Good idea, because if your purple gets any darker, you will fall prey to Colour Coded Morality and become A WICKED MARE OF DARKNESS!!!!!! Dun, dun, DUUUUUUUUUUUUN!
No, Spike! Bad! No unicorn/dragon babies! Also, Fluttershy is wonderful. I still have no idea why an adolescent male would like this show, but at least they represent shy people properly. Instead of being just a hushed voice as a “Shy Person” label, Fluttershy actually shies away from Twilight Sparkle and her voice completely drops away and then EXCITE and cue the Spike obsession. (What? Lots of shows have a person with a quiet voice who acts just like everyone else but is declared to be ‘shy’. THAT IS NOT SHYNESS!) Also, maybe people would torment Twilight Sparkle less if she weren’t so hilarious when she’s annoyed.
Pinkie Pie is evil. I do not like her. No, seriously. Who invites themselves into someone’s house/library and throws a party without their permission? Not cool, Pinkie Pie, not cool. Although I might forgive you for providing us with this:
“So now you have lots and lots of friends!”
Why does the baby dragon have a lampshade on his head? Why?
Can I just saying, Pinkie Pie is flipping terrifying? She says an entire paragraph without stopping for breath and/or punctuation! I am scared of this pony.
WAIT. STOP. That is Ms Faragonda. The Mayor of Ponyville is the headmistress from Winx Club. Don’t you tell me she’s not, she even looks similar. They sound identical (I just know these things, okay. Stop judging me.). Look!
They are totally one and the same.
YAY NIGHTMARE MOON IS BACK!! And I was right about that makeover, she looks lovely (in an evil unicorn-pegasus kind of way). And she’s saying ominous things about the night lasting forever! Muahaha! Do they rely on the sun for warmth the way we do? What about the plants? Because if we are to assume that they will not freeze and die because of the absence of the sun, why is eternal night so scary? What’s your big problem with night, huh, ponies?
And with that, the episode ends, and while it wasn’t terrible or anything I still have no clue why it garnered its large fandom. Oh well, maybe I’ll figure it out next time. Or maybe it’s just one of the mysteries of the universe. Who knows?
