The What of Friendship? a.k.a. MLP: FIM episode 2

 

We start where we left off, with Nightmare Moon (who looks fabulous after her magic makeover Face-Heel Turn) laughing maniacally. Mayor Faragonda, unnerved by the evil laughter (It probably gave her bad flashbacks to the overly-Evul villains of Winx Club), orders the guards to attack, which makes a surprising amount of sense for a show with this many pastels in it.

I have to ask, though, why do the three guards all look identical?

That picture almost looks like it’s one guard shrinking as he takes off into the air, but it’s not. My point is, if you can be bothered to design those outfits, maybe you could change their eye colour so it doesn’t look like Equestria is founded on cloning slaves? I don’t know, maybe they’re triplets. Or maybe Princess Celestia only hires white ponies with blue eyes. I wouldn’t put it past her to be deeply racist, after all, SHE HATES BOOKS.

Yes, I am still hung up on that. Stop judging me, books are important.

ANYWAY, the guards attack and My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic makes the worst pun ever:

“STAND BACK, YOU FOALS!”

*shudder* Oh, that’s painful. Someone rename that meme “Lame Pun Moon”.

(Yes, that might count as a pun, depending on how you look at it. No, it is nowhere near as bad as “Stand back, you foals!”)

And then Nightmare Moon turns into a bunch of sparkly, smoky, night-ish stuff? I really don’t know why, apparently she felt the need to gloat about her victory for a moment and then leave. That’s evil for you.

“Night-time… forever?” Painbow Dash, you are clearly one of the ponies who made Nightmare Moon (What was her name before she was evil, anyway? Sweet Dream Moon? Silver Moon? Dancing With The Stars?) go bad because of your unappreciativeness of her night. Well, a descendent of one, anyway. Maybe if you were like, “Oh yay, night-time, I love night-time!” she wouldn’t be so evil. But no, night-time sucks because it’s slightly darker and slightly colder than daytime, boohoo.

Anyway, don’t you guys have lights? Surely you can just light everything up with some full spectrum lamps and continue your pony ways. And don’t tell me they don’t have electricity, Spike had a lampshade on his head last time which indicates the existence of a LAMP.

“You’ve been up all night, Spike. You are a baby dragon, after all.” You have a BABY for a SLAVE, Twilight Sparkle! Why does this not bother you?

“Elements of Harmony, A Reference Guide.”

“How did you find that?!”

“It was under E-ee!”

Also, where were you looking, Twilight Sparkle?

“The sixth is a complete mystery.” As opposed to just a sort of mystery that a small group of teenage ponies can figure out after learning the value of friendship, amirite?

Nightmare Moon is watching you!

Twilight Sparkle, how do you expect to figure out the value of friendship without your friends?

“We’re sticking to you like caramel on a candy apple.” And then they proceed to leave her at the entrance of the forest. What.

Applejack, I like you, but your new friend is hanging off a cliff. There is a time and place to test her trust in you by giving ambiguous statements like, “Let go and you’ll be safe.” Now is the time for a far more reassuring, “Painbow Dash and Fluttershy are there to catch you, so you can let yourself fall now.” Vague reassurances do not strengthen friendships, kids.

I like that Nightmare Moon is actually trying to kill them instead of just sitting around laughing evilly. That said, what is that thing?

“Yes, Rainbow, I was there.” Twilight Sparkle FTW!

“A manticore!”  Well, I guess that’s what that thing was.

“Rainbow!” I guess she really is a Painbow now. Thankyou for validating my opinion, Manticore.

“You poor, poor little baby!”

“Little?!”  My thoughts exactly, Painbow Dash.

Are you telling me that Nightmare Moon just Transfigured herself into a thorn and yet Fluttershy could just pull it out? Seriously, why didn’t she just grab a regular thorn and save herself the trouble of being stuck in a manticore’s flesh all day?

Why is she singing? PINKIE PIE, CEASE THIS SINGING RIGHT NOW! She is like the one kid on every hike who thinks the time will pass faster if we just sing Ninety-Nine Bottles of Beer on the Wall down to one.

You stole his moustache? Scratch that, you stole half of his moustache? Nightmare Moon, your game is slipping.

“I cannot let such a crime against fabulosity go uncorrected!” That’s it! The sixth element of harmony: Fabulosity!

Is this dragon colour-blind? Rarity, not that your hair isn’t the very essence of fabulosity, but it is also purple. His moustache is orange. Unless he is going for the asymmetrical look this season, your sacrifice kind of just made him look worse.

“Besides, it will grow back.”

“So would the moustache!” Painbow, you are reading my mind at the moment.

“What’s with you and falling off cliffs today?” I think Painbow Dash may be my third favourite character, after Nightmare Moon and Twilight Sparkle. She’s kind of like Anya from Buffy: What she says is sometimes rude, but always wonderfully true. Seriously, honesty should be her ‘element of harmony’, not Applejack’s.

Those echoes are totally calling her Painbow and you can’t say they’re not.

Thunderbolts, way to be deeply unsubtle. Painbow would have much more of a moral dilemma if you weren’t practically wearing badges declaring yourselves “Nightmare Moon’s Evil Cheerleading Squad”. Not to mention: Fluttershy can fly too. There was nothing to stop her going over and tying the bridge even if that terrible ploy did work.

Mate, there is a difference between, “Stand back, I don’t know what will happen” and, “You guys wait outside in the scary woods, leaving me alone in the creepy castle!” What happened to sticking to her like caramel on a candy apple?

“I’ll teleport us to the room next door! No reason, I just like it better.”

“Now you will never see your princess or your son ever again!” Wait, Twilight Sparkle has a son? Why? When? Is Spike the father? Godfather? IS SPIKE TWILIGHT SPARKLE’S ILLEGITIMATE SON?

Oh wait, she means sun. Okay, that makes more sense and feels less like a strange fanfic.

“Applejack, who reassured me when I was in doubt–” Now hold on a second. You were HANGING OFF A CLIFF! I wouldn’t consider thinking you would go splat if you let go doubt, I would consider it good f***ing sense! Also, “Fluttershy and Painbow Dash will catch you” IS NOT THAT HARD TO SAY! GEEZ! “–represents the spirit of honesty. Fluttershy, who tamed the manticore with her compassion, represents the spirit of–” Guidance counselling! “–kindness! Pinkie Pie, who banished fear by giggling in the face of danger, represents the–” annoying kid who is always giggling too much at absolutely nothing “– spirit of laughter!” Eh, close enough. “Rarity, who calmed a sea creature with a meaningful” if ill matching “gift, represents the spirit of generosity! And Rainbow Dash, who could not abandon her friends for her own heart’s desire,” A lifetime of being Nightmare Moon’s own personal cheerleader, “represents the spirit of loyalty!”

Got over your phobia of the word ‘friends’? Here, have a glowing round rock.

“You see, Nightmare Moon, when these element are ignited by the spark that reside in all of us, it creates the sixth element: MAGIC!”

Two things: One, I told you so; Two, the title is literal that is hilarious.

Anyway, Nightmare Moon is defeated by PAINBOW TORNADO!!!!!!! No, really.

And this show does have at least one thing in common with Winx Club: The eternal law of Save World, Get New Jewellery.

Am I the only one who thinks that crown is hideous? Also: “Gee, Twilight, I thought you were just spoutin’ a lot o’ houey, but I reckon we really do represent the elements of friendship.” Applejack, you just saved the world from Nightmare Moon and you thought Twilight was talking rubbish, but then you saw the pretty necklaces and you’re a believer? *FACEPALM*

THE BOOK HATER HAS ARRIVED!

“I told you that you needed to make some friends, nothing more.” Well, actually, you told her that she should STOP READING HER DUSTY OLD BOOKS! *grumbles incoherently*

Is it just me, or did Princess Luna just explode off her evil makeover? No, look:

Isn’t she just the cutest thing? All tuckered out after her evil rampage.

“We were meant to rule together, little sister.”

“Sister?!” Either they are very silly, or Celestia is somehow disguising the fact that she is an immortal goddess pony from the general public.

“Will you accept my friendship?” I love how all of them are leaning forward like, “Yes or no? God, this is better than Passions.” And Pinkie Pie falls over!

“I’m so sorry! I missed you so much, big sister!” Maybe Luna went evil because she was jealous of Celestia’s height. I mean, seriously, how is she not supposed to feel inferior when she is dwarved by her?

However, Rule of Cute:

Who cares if it makes no sense vis-à-vis criminal justice and exploding makeovers, it’s adorable.

I have, however, concluded that Princess Luna and Twilight Sparkle must be related somehow. Why?

The “Friends?!” face is genetic.

When Fandoms Collide

I am not a real Hunger Games fan (although I thought Mockingjay was brilliant) but I have enough Harry Potter pages clogging up my Facebook news feed that have spam-happy HG fans as admins to know a few things about the fandom.

One of these things is that while some people use the shipping name KatPee for Katniss/Peeta, others prefer 'PeeNiss'.

It's the internet. This was never not going to happen.

Anyway, I was rewatching an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer recently, one Beer Bad, which is notorious as one of the worst BtVS episodes but I kind of absolutely love it. I don't really know why beyond that it makes me laugh.

Anyway. Early on in that episode, Buffy, Willow, and Xander are having a discussion about Parker, a boy who had a one-night-stand with Buffy that he failed to mention to her was a one-night-stand until the next day, when she found him chatting up another girl. Buffy's in the stage where she thinks she's in the wrong and that maybe she and Parker can make up; Willow is unconvinced.

Willow - "Buffy, that is my best friend, you need to think about not-Parker. He's no good. There are men, better men, wherein the mind is stronger than the penis."  
Xander - "Pffft--Nothing can defeat the penis! ... Too loud, very unseemly."

And the only thing I could think of was this:

So yeah.

The Great Mystery aka MLP: FIM episode 1

 

There are some things in this world that I simply do not understand. Take, for instance, bronies. I know at least half a dozen personally, and there are a zillion more on the internet, and a good deal of them do seem to genuinely like the show. A show that, to me, just looks like Winx Club with multicoloured ponies.

(I once mentioned this to a brony, and it was the subject of a vehement retort that boiled down to, “Winx Club sucks! My Little Pony is awesome!” I remained perplexed.)

So basically what I’m saying is that, on a quest for understanding, I am going to watch My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic and write about it here. WARNING: May contain liberal use of the word “What”.

…

Captain’s Log, stardate unknown.

What.

Okay, so there are these two sisters (Goddess ponies? Princesses? Pegasi? I don’t know) who are the rulers of Equestria, and their jobs are to raise the sun in the morning and raise the moon at night, thus securing harmony for all the ponies ever.

Really? So everything is fine as long as the sun goes down at night and comes up during the day? Do the ponies suddenly go insane if this doesn’t happen on time? Are they always happy if it does? Do they not have other disputes? At all? Ever?

(I will apply logic to the show about magic ponies, just you try and stop me.)

Oh, and the dark purple pony is going to be the bad one, isn’t she? They always are, because everyone hates on dark purple.

“The ponies relished and played in the day her elder sister brought forth, but shunned and slept through her beautiful night!”

 

Pony + bitterness + resentment = A WICKED MARE OF DARKNESS!

And apparently she got a makeover in the bargain. Sweet.

And then the WICKED MARE OF DARKNESS got thrown into her moon-prison. Poor evil pony. Don’t worry dear, I still love you.

And titles (Thank god it isn’t the old theme tune they used for the ads. The paaaaaiiiiiiiiin…)

“I think she’s more interested in books than friends.” Because clearly, studying and books are the enemies of friendship. I’m starting to see why guys like this show No, I’m sorry, that was uncalled for. My apologies to bronies. But I’m warning you, show, you have offended my Ravenclaw sensibilities.

… but I kind of love Twilight Sparkle, despite her unfortunate name and baby dragon abuse.

Stop reading? DUSTY OLD BOOKS?! Princess Celestia, you are not my friend.

 

I think that was Pinkie Pie, who I believe is a fan favourite? Anyway, she just kind of walked up, inhaled like an asthmatic and zoomed off into the sunset. By the way, if Twilight Sparkle is Celestia the book hater’s student and she’s doing her ‘royal’ duty, what does that make her? How doing ponies pick their students? Is she some estranged cousin of the royal family? Or did Celestia just see a purple pony and be like, “Gee, that reminds me of my sister before she went evil!” (I’m assuming she’s the day mare, or whatever?) “I should make her my student!”. Was Twilight Sparkle tragically orphaned by llamas? Is Princess Celestia trying to mould her into a substitute sister? Did Nightmare Moon not read? Or maybe she loved to read and Celestia blames the books for turning her evil? WHY DOES PRINCESS CELESTIA HATE BOOKS??????!!!!!!!!

Aaaaaaaand Applejack! Oh, poor antisocial Twilight Sparkle, there is an ENTIRE FAMILY OF THESE PEOPLE! And you just crushed that tiny pony’s dreams, by the way.  It had it’s (her?) heart set on brunch with you, and you just stomped all over it. AND NOW YOU MADE THEM ALL LOVE YOU BY STAYING you couldn’t have done that before you stomped on the munchkin’s heart?

I cannot think of her as Rainbow Dash. Angel has completely altered my perception of that word, she is now Painbow Dash. And what a charming young pony she is. Not. And then Twilight Sparkle is manipulative (Yay!) and Painbow actually does her job of clearing the skies, and then it’s time for THIS FACE:

 

I love how she gets this look of horror every time someone mentions friendship. (Barbie movies must be her equivalent of The Blair Witch Project.) She’s so wonderfully awkward and antisocial, oh my god, she is the pony equivalent of me in high school. Seriously. I’d been with the same class since kindergarten and everyone just knew me as the kid who sat quietly and read in class and had no friends, and then I went to a different school during year eleven and twelve and people talked to me and it was so bizarre. There was something inside me that just found it strange and awkward and ‘What is this friendship thing of which you speak?’ I spent the start of it just wanting to hide out somewhere and read my book, and then slowly realised that they were actually nice people who I enjoyed talking to. But for the first few weeks, while not as obsessed over as Twilight Sparkle is here because everyone was new, I would just freak out when it seemed like someone wanted to be friends. ‘I don’t know how to do the ‘friend’ thing, okay, Person? I am antisocial! I don’t understand your talking during class and showing me funny pictures on your iPod and NO HUGS ALLOWED THEY ARE EVIL!’

Do people pick which ponies they are? I mean, is it like that show where people are Dorothy or someone (Look, I don’t know, I only remember this vaguely from a Meg Cabot book), do people say “I’m Pinkie Pie” or “I’m Princess Celestia because I’m illiterate and hate books”? Because I am totally totally Twilight Sparkle JSYK.

So, now that I’m done projecting my issues with antisocial-ness onto a purple pony, let’s move on to Rarity and DUDE SPIKE SHE IS NOT OF YOUR SPECIES. Can dragons (who appears to be the oppressed slaves of the ponies, btw) and ponies interbreed? Because that only works in Shrek 2, because it was hilarious, and Donkey is a donkey and Rarity is a unicorn and that is just not going to happen, okay, Spike? Just no.

Let us take this moment to celebrate Twilight Sparkle’s “Friends?!” face:

“Quick, before she decides to dye my coat a new colour!” Good idea, because if your purple gets any darker, you will fall prey to Colour Coded Morality and become A WICKED MARE OF DARKNESS!!!!!! Dun, dun, DUUUUUUUUUUUUN!

No, Spike! Bad! No unicorn/dragon babies! Also, Fluttershy is wonderful. I still have no idea why an adolescent male would like this show, but at least they represent shy people properly. Instead of being just a hushed voice as a “Shy Person” label, Fluttershy actually shies away from Twilight Sparkle and her voice completely drops away and then EXCITE and cue the Spike obsession. (What? Lots of shows have a person with a quiet voice who acts just like everyone else but is declared to be ‘shy’. THAT IS NOT SHYNESS!) Also, maybe people would torment Twilight Sparkle less if she weren’t so hilarious when she’s annoyed.

Pinkie Pie is evil. I do not like her. No, seriously. Who invites themselves into someone’s house/library and throws a party without their permission? Not cool, Pinkie Pie, not cool. Although I might forgive you for providing us with this:

 

“So now you have lots and lots of friends!”

Why does the baby dragon have a lampshade on his head? Why?

Can I just saying, Pinkie Pie is flipping terrifying? She says an entire paragraph without stopping for breath and/or punctuation! I am scared of this pony.

WAIT. STOP. That is Ms Faragonda. The Mayor of Ponyville is the headmistress from Winx Club. Don’t you tell me she’s not, she even looks similar. They sound identical (I just know these things, okay. Stop judging me.). Look! 

They are totally one and the same.

YAY NIGHTMARE MOON IS BACK!! And I was right about that makeover, she looks lovely (in an evil unicorn-pegasus kind of way). And she’s saying ominous things about the night lasting forever! Muahaha! Do they rely on the sun for warmth the way we do? What about the plants? Because if we are to assume that they will not freeze and die because of the absence of the sun, why is eternal night so scary? What’s your big problem with night, huh, ponies?

 

 

And with that, the episode ends, and while it wasn’t terrible or anything I still have no clue why it garnered its large fandom. Oh well, maybe I’ll figure it out next time. Or maybe it’s just one of the mysteries of the universe. Who knows?

PAINBOW

I did not make this. There is a tumblr name near the bottom, so that is who they are, and they are also AWESOME!

(From Angel Season One Episode 6, "Sense & Sensitivity")

 

 PAINBOW!!!!!!!