Thoughts about thoughts

I've been thinking about thinking. Don't freak out, it happens.


More specifically, I've been thinking about that voice in your head that tell you when you've done something wrong. Not your conscience, or rather not just your conscience – this little guy/gal speaks up when it thinks you've made any kind of mistake, whether it's a question you got wrong on a french test or a breach of social etiquette. Everyone has one of these, like a sniper sight that makes little red dots pop up over things when we employ critical thinking. It critiques other people, too, but my thoughts are mainly directed at how it monitors what you says and do and how if left unchecked it can develop into a generator of self-loathing.


This voice – let's call him Raxacoricofallapatorius Clom. He does a very important job. He picks up the spelling errors in your essays, he tells you that it was bad when you accidentally slammed the door in someone's face instead of holding it open. He makes you think about the way you behave and points out some things you could change to be a better person or a better essay writer or a better dancer or whatever. He's a bit of a know-it-all, but he makes very good points. Imagine what would happen if you'd handed in an essay on The Rise and Fall of Ancient Rum instead of Ancient Rome?(1) Good old Clom.

Because he's doing such good work, you end up letting him advise you on more things. How do you look today? Does your new haircut work with this shirt? Did you like that movie?

Thing is, Clom's not an artistic fellow. He can't really answer certain kinds of subjective questions – he knows that is the wrong spelling of "there" to use in a particular sentence, but he hasn't got a clue whether your hair looks nice curly or not. Clom only knows when things are wrong. He can't fix them, he can't figure out what to do to change things, and most of all, he can't accept things. But he's a massive know-it-all, so he'll lie his way through it the only way he knows how: "You look terrible. Your haircut doesn't work with your shirt, or your jeans for that matter. That movie had a flaw and it was a waste of money."

This makes you sad, but Clom's very smart and you trust his judgement. Other parts of your brain – constructive, artistic, creative parts – try to figure out what to do with these observations. Put on some make-up or pull back your hair? Clom still thinks you look terrible. Wear a different shirt and jeans? Clom doesn't like those either. Rewatch a movie you love? Ah, but Clom sees flaws in that too.

The more power you give to Clom, to your critical side, the harder you make it for yourself to enjoy life. Nothing is perfect and he just can't accept that. While he's right that So&So is a boring character, it doesn't actually ruin the whole movie. Most of you loves this scene, but Clom is being loud and obnoxious and going on about how this and that don't work and ruining it for the rest of you. On top of that, the more duties of judging that Clom takes on, the less thought he puts into it. It won't be, "That word is spelt wrong", it will be, "You suck at spelling. You're an idiot. Don't hand in this stupid essay, it's wrong."

 Soon enough, you'll ask him whether you should wear a green or a blue shirt to work and he'll just reply, "YOUR SHIRTS SUCK AND YOU SUCK AND THE WORLD SUCK AND EVERYTHING IS AWFUL AND BAD!" A part of you – at this point a very powerful part of you – will give up and just hate everything and everyone, including yourself. Everything you do is accompanied by Clom saying that it was wrong, that it was bad, that you shouldn't have done that and why don't you just lie in bed because then you won't be wandering around being a miserable failure. Every so often he'll give you a hard time for doing that too, but that's mostly when you actually get up and walk around. You become effectively paralysed, spending as much time as you can just lying still trying not to be so wrong.

It's become pretty obvious at this point that Clom has mutated into a complete monster, but them you think back to the whole "Rise and Fall of Ancient Rum" incident and figure he was right then so he's probably right now. Every time someone points out a mistake you made just seems to confirm that Clom is right, and then people wonder why on earth you're getting so upset about such a little thing. It's because of Clom. Fucking Clom, guys. What a douche.

I've been reading the Calming Manatee blog (2) all day, so I think I should follow up all this oddly-phrased psychological analysis with some kind of advice? So, if you feel you are in the later stages of Clom-paralysis, ask for help. Talk to your parents about it, reach out to your friends and explain that you've been having issues (it's called depression, by the way, not Clom-paralysis. I'm just a geeky Whovian), and (I cannot stress this one enough) go to the doctor. Talk to you GP or a counsellor if one is provided at your school or workplace, but go, talk about your feelings and be honest. Actually, that's the thing I can't stress enough. Be honest with your doctor or counselor: they are healthcare professionals. I was really insecure about being diagnosed with anything (3) and so I lied to my school counselor for ages, and it put off my recovery from depression for years.

If your personal Clom is making it hard for you to do something, like paint a picture or write a book, I have a simple, one step plan for you. I'll allow Mr Hulk to demonstrate.

(Clom would be Thor in this scenario. Yes, I know Thor is far too good-looking and adorable to be Clom, but I love that gif.)


Simply put, tell your critical side to STFU. Ignore it and just keep doing what you are doing. Chances are it will be a beautiful painting or an awesome novel, but even if it's not great it's still a step in the right direction. All obsessive nitpicking will get you is half a first chapter and low self-esteem. Once you've done your first draft, if it's a novel, or your first sketch or whatever, let yourself find things to fix. Then stuff your critical side back into its box and start your second draft, using that knowledge to focus your creativity and editing. Repeat as needed, but never let your critical side out when you are creating. All it will do is get in the way and make it hard to move forward.


Those are my thoughts about thoughts. If you are reading this, just remember that making a mistake doesn't make you a failure or a bad person, and don't let Clom define who you are.

...

(1) Well, it would be hilarious but you know what I mean.

(2) Calming Manatee also likes Supernatural and The Avengers. This is awesome.

(3) I was frequently accused of being 'retarded' or 'brain-damaged' by other students during my school years, and I thought admitting I had problems to the counselor would mean they were right. Obviously, it doesn't. Everyone has issues, and sometimes we need help handling them. Having depression is like having the flu, and there's no shame in asking a doctor how to treat it.

Joss Whedon Will Destroy Us All (With The Avengers 2)

So I saw The Avengers and loved it so much I am considering going to see it another time (after the two other times I'm already planning to see it again with friends and family, of course, and factoring in that I will buy it on DVD as soon as it comes out). However, being as unspoily as possible, you can tell this is a Joss Whedon movie. You'll see what I mean. But (sort of spoilers) it's more early-season Whedon than the heart-crushing, "I've got you all hooked, now it's time to fuck with your emotions", ALL THE FEELS that shows up in the later seasons of his shows (I mean 'late' as in 'everything after season two', JSYK). It doesn't prey on your connections to characters, because Whedon doesn't think they're endeared to the audience enough yet. But if you know a little of his other work, it teases at the complete heartbreak that is coming.

Also, I found this quote from Joss Whedon:

"I'm, no offense, very tired of being labelled as 'the guy who kills people.' Shakespeare (he's this hot new writer) does it way more than me, and everyone's all excited about how he, as it were, holds a mirror up to nature, while I'm like the Jason Voorhees of the writing community. Unfair." 

 Poor Joss. He's not the guy who kills people, though. Anyone can do that, up to and including Shakespeare. Joss Whedon is the guy who creates wonderful characters; gives them strong personalities, interesting flaws, personal demons, emotional journeys and brilliant dialogue; makes the audience absolutely adore them; and then kills them. That's why people care so much when someone from Buffy dies way more than they do when Romeo and Juliet off themselves, because while it's all very sad how their love was all great and stuff and then they died, the point of the Buffy character is to be a person. A friend. A sibling. A parent. A lover. (Not all to the same person, though. That would be creepy.) When they die, you aren't just sad. You grieve. And no-one can ever forgive Joss Whedon for that, even though he invented that character in the first place.

It's like all the people who curse J.K. Rowling for killing [insert one of the many fallen characters here]. The reason we feel that way is because she made them so wonderful in the first place. It's a compliment, really. In gif/public death threat form.

So when I find this quote on Wikipedia, I'm not saying we're doomed because someone will die:

Joss Whedon stated that he would want a sequel to be "...smaller. More personal. More painful. By being the next thing that should happen to these characters, and not just a rehash of what seemed to work the first time. By having a theme that is completely fresh and organic to itself."

 I say we're doomed because we'll love them.

And then they'll die.

It's Never To Early To Bitch About Bella Swan

Humanity is no excuse for this fuckery.

And In Other News, I Still Hate Twispawn

Twispawn (|ˈtwīˌspôn|): Young Adult novels of similar quality (or lack thereof), storyline (or lack thereof), characterisation (or lack thereof), and standard (or lack thereof) to Stephanie Meyer's Twilight series, likely being written or published as a result of the popularity of said series. Currently choking the Young Adult section to death with their boring protagonists, abusive love-interests, pointless plots, abysmal prose, and dark broody covers that make it impossible to tell one from the other.

I have many a rant to address this phenomenon, but this is mainly a definition post that Pippa and I will link back to on RuR when using this term. But I would like to have a mini-rant about hair colour, if don't mind, because this type of thing has annoyed the shit out of me literally since I was seven.

Barbie is blonde, and in my life that is where this whole fiasco started. It probably goes back right to the start of visual media, but my first experience with hair bias was the Barbie film Barbie in Swan Lake.

This is Odette in Barbie in Swan Lake:

This is Odile:

Now, it's a fairly common thing in kids' stories to have the good guys be pretty and the bad guys be ugly (I just realised how Asian Odile looks there, OMG Barbie is so racist :P ) but the hair thing is weird. Brunettes and blondes aren't technically prettier either way, but there was a point in children's animation where blondes were awesome and brunettes were evil. It annoyed me so much because if there was a double agent, or a secret enemy or whatever, you could always tell by their hair. That kind, intelligent character who has no reason to hate the protagonist? Yeah, she's going to turn evil about halfway through. Wanna know why? She has black hair.

 Nobody believed the whole blondes = good, brunettes = evil thing applied to real life (I hope) but it seems a lot of people took offense and eventually they took a stand by... doing the exact same thing except in reverse.

See, if you look into Twispawn these days, you'll find that while the love interests have varied hair colours ("bronze", "chestnut", and "raven", to name a few), the protagonists are almost always brunettes, and being female and blonde automatically makes any character "bitchy", "shallow", and "a massive slut". I put those traits in quotes because that is what the characters are called. They are rarely shown to be any of these, and when they do act bitchy or shallow, they are quickly outstripped by the horrid protagonist who disregards the feelings of everyone but herself and occasionally her boyfriend and bases their entire "True Love" on how hot he is.

And we're meant to empathise and support these characters. Right.

Point is, Twispawn authors seem to think it's good enough to just say they're a blonde and therefore evil and everyone will believe them. It's part of a bigger problem of telling and not showing, but may I remind you who else is blonde in popular culture beyond your standard Regina George?

And that's just three of dozens of fabulous, world-saving blonde heroines.

 So you can take your paper-thin characterisation and shove it – these blondes will kick your Bella-clone's ass any day that ends with Y.

The What of Friendship? a.k.a. MLP: FIM episode 2

 

We start where we left off, with Nightmare Moon (who looks fabulous after her magic makeover Face-Heel Turn) laughing maniacally. Mayor Faragonda, unnerved by the evil laughter (It probably gave her bad flashbacks to the overly-Evul villains of Winx Club), orders the guards to attack, which makes a surprising amount of sense for a show with this many pastels in it.

I have to ask, though, why do the three guards all look identical?

That picture almost looks like it’s one guard shrinking as he takes off into the air, but it’s not. My point is, if you can be bothered to design those outfits, maybe you could change their eye colour so it doesn’t look like Equestria is founded on cloning slaves? I don’t know, maybe they’re triplets. Or maybe Princess Celestia only hires white ponies with blue eyes. I wouldn’t put it past her to be deeply racist, after all, SHE HATES BOOKS.

Yes, I am still hung up on that. Stop judging me, books are important.

ANYWAY, the guards attack and My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic makes the worst pun ever:

“STAND BACK, YOU FOALS!”

*shudder* Oh, that’s painful. Someone rename that meme “Lame Pun Moon”.

(Yes, that might count as a pun, depending on how you look at it. No, it is nowhere near as bad as “Stand back, you foals!”)

And then Nightmare Moon turns into a bunch of sparkly, smoky, night-ish stuff? I really don’t know why, apparently she felt the need to gloat about her victory for a moment and then leave. That’s evil for you.

“Night-time… forever?” Painbow Dash, you are clearly one of the ponies who made Nightmare Moon (What was her name before she was evil, anyway? Sweet Dream Moon? Silver Moon? Dancing With The Stars?) go bad because of your unappreciativeness of her night. Well, a descendent of one, anyway. Maybe if you were like, “Oh yay, night-time, I love night-time!” she wouldn’t be so evil. But no, night-time sucks because it’s slightly darker and slightly colder than daytime, boohoo.

Anyway, don’t you guys have lights? Surely you can just light everything up with some full spectrum lamps and continue your pony ways. And don’t tell me they don’t have electricity, Spike had a lampshade on his head last time which indicates the existence of a LAMP.

“You’ve been up all night, Spike. You are a baby dragon, after all.” You have a BABY for a SLAVE, Twilight Sparkle! Why does this not bother you?

“Elements of Harmony, A Reference Guide.”

“How did you find that?!”

“It was under E-ee!”

Also, where were you looking, Twilight Sparkle?

“The sixth is a complete mystery.” As opposed to just a sort of mystery that a small group of teenage ponies can figure out after learning the value of friendship, amirite?

Nightmare Moon is watching you!

Twilight Sparkle, how do you expect to figure out the value of friendship without your friends?

“We’re sticking to you like caramel on a candy apple.” And then they proceed to leave her at the entrance of the forest. What.

Applejack, I like you, but your new friend is hanging off a cliff. There is a time and place to test her trust in you by giving ambiguous statements like, “Let go and you’ll be safe.” Now is the time for a far more reassuring, “Painbow Dash and Fluttershy are there to catch you, so you can let yourself fall now.” Vague reassurances do not strengthen friendships, kids.

I like that Nightmare Moon is actually trying to kill them instead of just sitting around laughing evilly. That said, what is that thing?

“Yes, Rainbow, I was there.” Twilight Sparkle FTW!

“A manticore!”  Well, I guess that’s what that thing was.

“Rainbow!” I guess she really is a Painbow now. Thankyou for validating my opinion, Manticore.

“You poor, poor little baby!”

“Little?!”  My thoughts exactly, Painbow Dash.

Are you telling me that Nightmare Moon just Transfigured herself into a thorn and yet Fluttershy could just pull it out? Seriously, why didn’t she just grab a regular thorn and save herself the trouble of being stuck in a manticore’s flesh all day?

Why is she singing? PINKIE PIE, CEASE THIS SINGING RIGHT NOW! She is like the one kid on every hike who thinks the time will pass faster if we just sing Ninety-Nine Bottles of Beer on the Wall down to one.

You stole his moustache? Scratch that, you stole half of his moustache? Nightmare Moon, your game is slipping.

“I cannot let such a crime against fabulosity go uncorrected!” That’s it! The sixth element of harmony: Fabulosity!

Is this dragon colour-blind? Rarity, not that your hair isn’t the very essence of fabulosity, but it is also purple. His moustache is orange. Unless he is going for the asymmetrical look this season, your sacrifice kind of just made him look worse.

“Besides, it will grow back.”

“So would the moustache!” Painbow, you are reading my mind at the moment.

“What’s with you and falling off cliffs today?” I think Painbow Dash may be my third favourite character, after Nightmare Moon and Twilight Sparkle. She’s kind of like Anya from Buffy: What she says is sometimes rude, but always wonderfully true. Seriously, honesty should be her ‘element of harmony’, not Applejack’s.

Those echoes are totally calling her Painbow and you can’t say they’re not.

Thunderbolts, way to be deeply unsubtle. Painbow would have much more of a moral dilemma if you weren’t practically wearing badges declaring yourselves “Nightmare Moon’s Evil Cheerleading Squad”. Not to mention: Fluttershy can fly too. There was nothing to stop her going over and tying the bridge even if that terrible ploy did work.

Mate, there is a difference between, “Stand back, I don’t know what will happen” and, “You guys wait outside in the scary woods, leaving me alone in the creepy castle!” What happened to sticking to her like caramel on a candy apple?

“I’ll teleport us to the room next door! No reason, I just like it better.”

“Now you will never see your princess or your son ever again!” Wait, Twilight Sparkle has a son? Why? When? Is Spike the father? Godfather? IS SPIKE TWILIGHT SPARKLE’S ILLEGITIMATE SON?

Oh wait, she means sun. Okay, that makes more sense and feels less like a strange fanfic.

“Applejack, who reassured me when I was in doubt–” Now hold on a second. You were HANGING OFF A CLIFF! I wouldn’t consider thinking you would go splat if you let go doubt, I would consider it good f***ing sense! Also, “Fluttershy and Painbow Dash will catch you” IS NOT THAT HARD TO SAY! GEEZ! “–represents the spirit of honesty. Fluttershy, who tamed the manticore with her compassion, represents the spirit of–” Guidance counselling! “–kindness! Pinkie Pie, who banished fear by giggling in the face of danger, represents the–” annoying kid who is always giggling too much at absolutely nothing “– spirit of laughter!” Eh, close enough. “Rarity, who calmed a sea creature with a meaningful” if ill matching “gift, represents the spirit of generosity! And Rainbow Dash, who could not abandon her friends for her own heart’s desire,” A lifetime of being Nightmare Moon’s own personal cheerleader, “represents the spirit of loyalty!”

Got over your phobia of the word ‘friends’? Here, have a glowing round rock.

“You see, Nightmare Moon, when these element are ignited by the spark that reside in all of us, it creates the sixth element: MAGIC!”

Two things: One, I told you so; Two, the title is literal that is hilarious.

Anyway, Nightmare Moon is defeated by PAINBOW TORNADO!!!!!!! No, really.

And this show does have at least one thing in common with Winx Club: The eternal law of Save World, Get New Jewellery.

Am I the only one who thinks that crown is hideous? Also: “Gee, Twilight, I thought you were just spoutin’ a lot o’ houey, but I reckon we really do represent the elements of friendship.” Applejack, you just saved the world from Nightmare Moon and you thought Twilight was talking rubbish, but then you saw the pretty necklaces and you’re a believer? *FACEPALM*

THE BOOK HATER HAS ARRIVED!

“I told you that you needed to make some friends, nothing more.” Well, actually, you told her that she should STOP READING HER DUSTY OLD BOOKS! *grumbles incoherently*

Is it just me, or did Princess Luna just explode off her evil makeover? No, look:

Isn’t she just the cutest thing? All tuckered out after her evil rampage.

“We were meant to rule together, little sister.”

“Sister?!” Either they are very silly, or Celestia is somehow disguising the fact that she is an immortal goddess pony from the general public.

“Will you accept my friendship?” I love how all of them are leaning forward like, “Yes or no? God, this is better than Passions.” And Pinkie Pie falls over!

“I’m so sorry! I missed you so much, big sister!” Maybe Luna went evil because she was jealous of Celestia’s height. I mean, seriously, how is she not supposed to feel inferior when she is dwarved by her?

However, Rule of Cute:

Who cares if it makes no sense vis-à-vis criminal justice and exploding makeovers, it’s adorable.

I have, however, concluded that Princess Luna and Twilight Sparkle must be related somehow. Why?

The “Friends?!” face is genetic.

Why Time-Travel in Harry Potter Does Not Cause Plotholes

 

SCROLL DOWN TO SKIP TO THE EXPLANATION

I thought about starting this off with some time-travel themed gimmick (eg: “This is message from [past/present/future] [me/you/Daniel Radcliffe] to [past/present/future] [me/you/Emma Watson]”), but then I realised time travel isn’t what this is about. This is about pretentious wankers who will go on and on about their position and why something should or shouldn’t have happened, and refuse to listen when they are presented with a perfectly logical counter-argument.

Example: (Let’s assume they’re both women, okay?)

Person 1: I’m a feminist and I think that men should be used as slave labour because women are clearly superior to them!

Person 2: what.

Person 1: Don’t you think we should use men as slaves? They’re so useless.

Person 2: You’re joking, right?

Person 1: Of course I’m not joking! Men are useless and their only purpose is to carry stuff around and help us reproduce, and soon we’ll have robots and artificial insemination to do that so until then they should be slave labour.

Person 2: Okay, Person 1? Men are not useless. Men are just as capable of intelligent, creative, and progressive thought as women are. Think about Socrates, who gave his own life to prove to Athenians that law must reflect reality–

Person 1: His wife came up with that whole scheme, and she would have gotten him out alive if he hadn’t decided to be a martyr.

Person 2: Socrates didn’t have a wife! And the whole point of his ‘martyrdom’ was that he could have gotten out of Athens, and that basically everyone who had the money to did, but Socrates stayed because to do so would undermine the law and people needed to start thinking about what consequences their laws and rulings would have!(1)

Person 1: See? The only thing he was good for was dying. Men suck.

Person 2: One, that is one of history’s greatest philosophers you are talking about, and two, why do you hate men?

Person 1: Because they suck. Are you anti-feminist or something?

Person 2: You are not a feminist. Feminism is about how men and women should be equals, not that men should be enslaved.

Person 1: Excuse me, I’m a feminist and I think men are useless and should be used as slaves. My god, you are such a simpering housewife. Did your husband define feminism for you?

Person 2: I don’t have a husband!

Person 1: So then you agree that men suck and we should enslave them?

Person 2: ARGH!!!!!!!!

Okay, maybe that was less of an example and more of a side rant about one of my greatest pet peeves. Hating men does not make you a feminist; it makes you a misandrist, and that is about twelve shades of not okay. Misandry and misogyny (hatred of men and women, respectively) are the exact same flipping thing, and being on the receiving end of one at some point does not excuse the other. As for “I’m a feminist and I hate men”, you can’t call yourself a feminist and build the definition around your own opinions any more than I can call myself a conservative Christian and expect people to believe me. I don’t believe in any god or deity, I don’t attend church or own a bible, nor have I ever attended church or even read a bible, I don’t pray, my political views are predominantly liberal (of the small L persuasion), I’m clearly neither conservative nor Christian. I can shout out that I am one over and over, even call up some friends to join me, but I still don’t hold the views that define that group of people. Here’s a dictionary definition of feminism:

feminism |ˈfeməˌnizəm|

noun

the advocacy of women's rights on the grounds of political, social, and economic equality to men.

While my computer’s dictionary may not be the be all, end all of sources on feminism, that is the basic gist of feminist philosophy. We are equal to men, we should be treated equally, we should be treated fairly. Not “We should be treated like a superior species.” So if you are a person who is offended by some twit ranting about how all men suck and calling themselves a feminist, don’t hate on feminism, hate on the morons who give feminism a bad name.

(As a side note to this side note, not wearing “girly” clothes doesn’t necessarily make you a feminist either. Hell, Buffy Summers wears feminine clothes and styles and has supposedly ‘girly’ interests like fashion and hot male celebrities, but she’s still a brilliant feminist role model and a million times better than Bella Swan, despite the latter’s habitual ‘jeans-and-a-t-shirt’ (and about fifteen jackets) attire.)

Where was I? OH YEAH, TIME-TRAVEL IN HARRY POTTER. Oops.

So essentially, sometimes people just don’t get a thing, and you’re not sure if you’re not explaining it right or if they’re trolling or if they’re just that type of person who doesn’t want to listen. I frequently have this problem with people and the use of the Time-Turner in Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, so I decided to write a detailed explanation of it here, and link it to people if they bring it up. So if you’re reading this, and you have such an argument/discussion, feel free to direct the person to this post and leave it up to them if they want to understand. I’ll even leave directions so they can skip my long rant about feminism vs. misandry.

EXPLANATION STARTS HERE

(If it wasn’t evident, spoilers for the Harry Potter series.)

The main problem some people have with Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban is that it introduces time-travel as an accessible source in the wizarding world, which seems to open a bazillion plot-holes in the series.

 

So let’s take a look at why it does not actually make Dumbledore a scumbag (That is what the hat means, okay?) and why the Ministry of Magic are not complete idiots for neglecting time-turners.

Reason One: Wizarding Time-Travel Is Linear

If you’re a Doctor Who fan, you’re likely to be familiar with the quote, “People assume that time is a strict progression of cause to effect, but actually from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint - it's more like a big ball of wibbly wobbly... timey wimey... stuff.” But the thing is, HP time and the effects of time-travel therein is a strict progression of cause to effect. This means that whatever you do when you go back in time, you have already done it in your timeline and any effects it had have already shown up.

One example of this is in the climax of Prisoner of Azkaban, where Harry is waiting for his dad to show up and produce the Patronus that saved him. When his father doesn’t turn up, Harry realises that it was himself from the future who cast the Patronus, and so he casts said Patronus and saves his past self. Another is when Hermione forgets to go to Charms because she's so tired, and can't go back and be at the lesson because Ron and Harry already told her that she wasn't there.

One quote seemingly defies this idea, when Hermione says, “Professor McGonagall told me what awful things have happened when wizards have meddled with time… loads of them have ended up killing their past or future selves by mistake!” In relation to what else we know about wizard time-travel, this could mean one of three things:

1)                You can change time, but it makes the universe go into a violent seizure of not-niceness, in which one or both of your selves will end up dead.

2)                People have assumed they could change time, but ended up getting killed or causing the event that made them go back in time. (For instance, say a wizard is poisoned with a slow-working poison and he thinks it was his wife. He goes back in time to kill her before she can kill him, but puts the poison in the wrong cup and winds up poisoning his past self.)

3)                Professor McGonagall didn’t want to explain the entirety of time-travel theory to a curious thirteen-year-old lest she try to experiment with it, so she was just like, “Don’t mess with it or REALLY, REALLY BAD STUFF WILL HAPPEN.”

I favour the second option, which explains why the Ministry of Magic aren’t all like, “Let’s save some people!” because modern time-travel theory says that if the people are dead, they will stay dead and anyone sent back to save them will fail and possibly die themselves. That’s why Sirius or Lupin didn’t go back in time to warn James and Lily about Pettigrew, or to try and stop Voldemort, because they knew James and Lily were already dead and they couldn’t change that. (Also that would be bad because then Voldemort would still be terrorizing the wizarding community, JSYK.)

“But what about Buckbeak?!” I hear you cry. The thing is, Buckbeak was never dead, because Future-Harry and Future-Hermione came back to save him to save Sirius. And scumbag Dumbledore knows that Buckbeak lives because he walked out of Hagrid’s hut and saw that he had escaped. What he actually meant when he said, “If all goes well, you will be able to save more than one innocent life tonight” was “I hope your rescue of Sirius goes well, because I already know you’ve saved Buckbeak.” Essentially, you can only use time-travel to change the future, not the past.

So, let’s look at our list of things the time-turner could be used for. Due to the nature of linear time-travel, you could not use a Time-Turner to save the Potters, prevent escapes from Azkaban that you know happened, prevent Auror deaths of the same kind, or kill/arrest Tom Riddle. You can’t do most of the other suggestions either, because:

Reason Two: Wizards Can Only Travel Backwards In Time

How does a Time-Turner work? Well, say you are Hermione, and you need to get to Charms, Ancient Runes and Arithmancy at the same time. You head off to Arithmancy, sit through that hour or so and get House points for being brilliant, as you do. At the end of the class, you take out your Time-Turner and turn it once. You end up an hour back in time, and you head off to Ancient Runes, after which you repeat the process and go to Charms.

Notice what that does not involve? Going forwards in time. While there might have been Aurors who went back in time to witness whether Sirius Black blew up that street or not a couple of days after the incident, they would have been watching from afar so as not to get blown up, and they would have seen what the expected to see:

“Lily and James, Sirius! How could you?”

BOOM!

And if Sirius showed up twelve years later to have an actual trial (Barty Crouch Senior may not have been the raging psycho his son was, but he was still a douche) and look for what he was describing, who was going to volunteer twelve years of their life to go check out something that might not even be evident? Not to mention the risk of being killed trying to get close enough or ignoring the rules of time travel to attempt to stop Pettigrew. Time-Turners are probably only used in particular cases, as the time traveller cannot change anything and might have actually caused the problem, in which case everyone feels really bad for sending them back in the first place when they figure it out.

Reason Three: All the Time-Turners Are Destroyed In The Order of the Phoenix

So Time-Turners can’t help with the Pettigrew/Sirius confrontation, what else is left? Preventing Auror casualties wherein nobody found the body. We have no evidence to suggest that Aurors don’t use time-travel for this on occasion, so I’m thinking in particular of Mad-Eye Moody in book seven. Voldemort hits Moody with a curse that appears to be Avada Kedavra, and he falls off his broom and plunges to the ground below. If you were a die-hard Alastor Moody fan, you might think, “He could totally still be alive! It might be some other curse which emits a flash of green light! Quick, grab a Time-Turner and catch him with a Levitation Charm before he hits the ground!” Well, sorry Moody fans, you can’t. They were all destroyed during the Battle of the Department of Mysteries at the climax of book five, a fact which was confirmed at the start of book six. There’s a strong implication that the Ministry can’t just make more, or that even if they can it will take a very, very long time, long after the end of the Second Wizarding War.

In conclusion, we can say that the presence of the Time-Turner in Prisoner of Azkaban did not create massive plotholes, that the Ministry of Magic are not that idiotic, that Albus Dumbledore is not a hippogriff-saving scumbag, and that every painful, wrenching, tragic death in the Harry Potter series is permanent and indisputable.

God, that’s a depressing thought.

Stuff about Time-Travel in Harry Potter

http://harrypotter.wikia.com/wiki/Time-Turner

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Thry5mXld80

---

1) That’s the simplified version. The actual thing is pretty complicated, but Person 1 isn’t arguing that Socratic philosophy is sexist, they are just repeating their opinion over and over and over again.

When Fandoms Collide

I am not a real Hunger Games fan (although I thought Mockingjay was brilliant) but I have enough Harry Potter pages clogging up my Facebook news feed that have spam-happy HG fans as admins to know a few things about the fandom.

One of these things is that while some people use the shipping name KatPee for Katniss/Peeta, others prefer 'PeeNiss'.

It's the internet. This was never not going to happen.

Anyway, I was rewatching an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer recently, one Beer Bad, which is notorious as one of the worst BtVS episodes but I kind of absolutely love it. I don't really know why beyond that it makes me laugh.

Anyway. Early on in that episode, Buffy, Willow, and Xander are having a discussion about Parker, a boy who had a one-night-stand with Buffy that he failed to mention to her was a one-night-stand until the next day, when she found him chatting up another girl. Buffy's in the stage where she thinks she's in the wrong and that maybe she and Parker can make up; Willow is unconvinced.

Willow - "Buffy, that is my best friend, you need to think about not-Parker. He's no good. There are men, better men, wherein the mind is stronger than the penis."  
Xander - "Pffft--Nothing can defeat the penis! ... Too loud, very unseemly."

And the only thing I could think of was this:

So yeah.

The Great Mystery aka MLP: FIM episode 1

 

There are some things in this world that I simply do not understand. Take, for instance, bronies. I know at least half a dozen personally, and there are a zillion more on the internet, and a good deal of them do seem to genuinely like the show. A show that, to me, just looks like Winx Club with multicoloured ponies.

(I once mentioned this to a brony, and it was the subject of a vehement retort that boiled down to, “Winx Club sucks! My Little Pony is awesome!” I remained perplexed.)

So basically what I’m saying is that, on a quest for understanding, I am going to watch My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic and write about it here. WARNING: May contain liberal use of the word “What”.

…

Captain’s Log, stardate unknown.

What.

Okay, so there are these two sisters (Goddess ponies? Princesses? Pegasi? I don’t know) who are the rulers of Equestria, and their jobs are to raise the sun in the morning and raise the moon at night, thus securing harmony for all the ponies ever.

Really? So everything is fine as long as the sun goes down at night and comes up during the day? Do the ponies suddenly go insane if this doesn’t happen on time? Are they always happy if it does? Do they not have other disputes? At all? Ever?

(I will apply logic to the show about magic ponies, just you try and stop me.)

Oh, and the dark purple pony is going to be the bad one, isn’t she? They always are, because everyone hates on dark purple.

“The ponies relished and played in the day her elder sister brought forth, but shunned and slept through her beautiful night!”

 

Pony + bitterness + resentment = A WICKED MARE OF DARKNESS!

And apparently she got a makeover in the bargain. Sweet.

And then the WICKED MARE OF DARKNESS got thrown into her moon-prison. Poor evil pony. Don’t worry dear, I still love you.

And titles (Thank god it isn’t the old theme tune they used for the ads. The paaaaaiiiiiiiiin…)

“I think she’s more interested in books than friends.” Because clearly, studying and books are the enemies of friendship. I’m starting to see why guys like this show No, I’m sorry, that was uncalled for. My apologies to bronies. But I’m warning you, show, you have offended my Ravenclaw sensibilities.

… but I kind of love Twilight Sparkle, despite her unfortunate name and baby dragon abuse.

Stop reading? DUSTY OLD BOOKS?! Princess Celestia, you are not my friend.

 

I think that was Pinkie Pie, who I believe is a fan favourite? Anyway, she just kind of walked up, inhaled like an asthmatic and zoomed off into the sunset. By the way, if Twilight Sparkle is Celestia the book hater’s student and she’s doing her ‘royal’ duty, what does that make her? How doing ponies pick their students? Is she some estranged cousin of the royal family? Or did Celestia just see a purple pony and be like, “Gee, that reminds me of my sister before she went evil!” (I’m assuming she’s the day mare, or whatever?) “I should make her my student!”. Was Twilight Sparkle tragically orphaned by llamas? Is Princess Celestia trying to mould her into a substitute sister? Did Nightmare Moon not read? Or maybe she loved to read and Celestia blames the books for turning her evil? WHY DOES PRINCESS CELESTIA HATE BOOKS??????!!!!!!!!

Aaaaaaaand Applejack! Oh, poor antisocial Twilight Sparkle, there is an ENTIRE FAMILY OF THESE PEOPLE! And you just crushed that tiny pony’s dreams, by the way.  It had it’s (her?) heart set on brunch with you, and you just stomped all over it. AND NOW YOU MADE THEM ALL LOVE YOU BY STAYING you couldn’t have done that before you stomped on the munchkin’s heart?

I cannot think of her as Rainbow Dash. Angel has completely altered my perception of that word, she is now Painbow Dash. And what a charming young pony she is. Not. And then Twilight Sparkle is manipulative (Yay!) and Painbow actually does her job of clearing the skies, and then it’s time for THIS FACE:

 

I love how she gets this look of horror every time someone mentions friendship. (Barbie movies must be her equivalent of The Blair Witch Project.) She’s so wonderfully awkward and antisocial, oh my god, she is the pony equivalent of me in high school. Seriously. I’d been with the same class since kindergarten and everyone just knew me as the kid who sat quietly and read in class and had no friends, and then I went to a different school during year eleven and twelve and people talked to me and it was so bizarre. There was something inside me that just found it strange and awkward and ‘What is this friendship thing of which you speak?’ I spent the start of it just wanting to hide out somewhere and read my book, and then slowly realised that they were actually nice people who I enjoyed talking to. But for the first few weeks, while not as obsessed over as Twilight Sparkle is here because everyone was new, I would just freak out when it seemed like someone wanted to be friends. ‘I don’t know how to do the ‘friend’ thing, okay, Person? I am antisocial! I don’t understand your talking during class and showing me funny pictures on your iPod and NO HUGS ALLOWED THEY ARE EVIL!’

Do people pick which ponies they are? I mean, is it like that show where people are Dorothy or someone (Look, I don’t know, I only remember this vaguely from a Meg Cabot book), do people say “I’m Pinkie Pie” or “I’m Princess Celestia because I’m illiterate and hate books”? Because I am totally totally Twilight Sparkle JSYK.

So, now that I’m done projecting my issues with antisocial-ness onto a purple pony, let’s move on to Rarity and DUDE SPIKE SHE IS NOT OF YOUR SPECIES. Can dragons (who appears to be the oppressed slaves of the ponies, btw) and ponies interbreed? Because that only works in Shrek 2, because it was hilarious, and Donkey is a donkey and Rarity is a unicorn and that is just not going to happen, okay, Spike? Just no.

Let us take this moment to celebrate Twilight Sparkle’s “Friends?!” face:

“Quick, before she decides to dye my coat a new colour!” Good idea, because if your purple gets any darker, you will fall prey to Colour Coded Morality and become A WICKED MARE OF DARKNESS!!!!!! Dun, dun, DUUUUUUUUUUUUN!

No, Spike! Bad! No unicorn/dragon babies! Also, Fluttershy is wonderful. I still have no idea why an adolescent male would like this show, but at least they represent shy people properly. Instead of being just a hushed voice as a “Shy Person” label, Fluttershy actually shies away from Twilight Sparkle and her voice completely drops away and then EXCITE and cue the Spike obsession. (What? Lots of shows have a person with a quiet voice who acts just like everyone else but is declared to be ‘shy’. THAT IS NOT SHYNESS!) Also, maybe people would torment Twilight Sparkle less if she weren’t so hilarious when she’s annoyed.

Pinkie Pie is evil. I do not like her. No, seriously. Who invites themselves into someone’s house/library and throws a party without their permission? Not cool, Pinkie Pie, not cool. Although I might forgive you for providing us with this:

 

“So now you have lots and lots of friends!”

Why does the baby dragon have a lampshade on his head? Why?

Can I just saying, Pinkie Pie is flipping terrifying? She says an entire paragraph without stopping for breath and/or punctuation! I am scared of this pony.

WAIT. STOP. That is Ms Faragonda. The Mayor of Ponyville is the headmistress from Winx Club. Don’t you tell me she’s not, she even looks similar. They sound identical (I just know these things, okay. Stop judging me.). Look! 

They are totally one and the same.

YAY NIGHTMARE MOON IS BACK!! And I was right about that makeover, she looks lovely (in an evil unicorn-pegasus kind of way). And she’s saying ominous things about the night lasting forever! Muahaha! Do they rely on the sun for warmth the way we do? What about the plants? Because if we are to assume that they will not freeze and die because of the absence of the sun, why is eternal night so scary? What’s your big problem with night, huh, ponies?

 

 

And with that, the episode ends, and while it wasn’t terrible or anything I still have no clue why it garnered its large fandom. Oh well, maybe I’ll figure it out next time. Or maybe it’s just one of the mysteries of the universe. Who knows?